I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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