I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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