we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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