I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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