does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
if only i could text you this smell
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
