K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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