Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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