Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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