Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
