I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
