fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
