I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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