theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
