I puked a lego.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
