ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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