There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
