i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
