Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
