I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
