I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
