She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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