finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
did i walk over a car last night?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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