Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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