M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
