you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize