at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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