I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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