I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
