found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
