were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize