Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
