yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
