Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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