Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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