One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
