in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
