last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
