He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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