I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
