You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
