That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
