I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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