Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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