I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
