Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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