worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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