I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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