I accidentally had phone sex last night
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
