she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
