cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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