The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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