OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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