I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
