I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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