On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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