Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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