Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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