My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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