Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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