There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
