i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
