So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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